Nathan is losing his hair.
You know how something can be right in front of your face, and you still don't see it? I have been not seeing this development for a couple of weeks, and yesterday, I couldn't not-see it anymore. More to the point, neither could Nathan.
It was a rough, rough, rough, rough night.
For a chemo patient, hair loss is an unmistakable sign of your other-ness. You're not like everyone else who is healthy. You're different, very obviously so. And for a chemo patient in middle school, being different can be a fate worse than death. This is what is weighing most heavily on our boy's mind, the fear that he will be a target for mean kids.
As a teacher, I know that some of those mean kids also feel different or ugly or left out or just plain wrong. They try to cope by drawing attention to others whose brokenness is more visible. "If everyone is looking at that kid," they figure, "they're not looking at me and at everything that is wrong with me." And as a teacher, I feel for them. Middle school sucks, their brains are not fully formed, they are trapped in a hurricane of hormones, their families don't understand them, yadda yadda yadda.
BUT.
As a mom, if some mean kids picks on MY kid? I hope God has mercy on them, because I sure as hell won't.
So, this is one of the hard days. Rationally, I know that the staff at Nathan's school is going to do everything possible to ease his way during this part of the journey. I know that he has good friends who are his friends, no matter what. I know that, given the chance, most kids will rise to the occasion and do the right thing and treat his balding melon as no big deal. But I am still scared, and so is Nathan. So, I'm doubling up on my prayers and asking Jon Jetton to watch over my boy - he walked this walk, and many of you walked it with him. I'm asking for the rough places to be made plain.
And if they're not, I may be back to ask for bail money.
You won't need Bail money. Any LEO I know would gladly look the other way for a few while you and Nathan deal with things. Cop Karma. Blanket party. Invite me.
ReplyDeleteHow odd, really, that as a bald *man*, I get most respect from thugs and slugs. They identify me as a threat, perhaps, and always show respect. From women, well, the most often is "can I touch it". Hopefully, this will be a *cool* thing for Nathan. My biggest suggestion, and one Cris and I discussed when she was doing chemo, is SHAVE IT. If it gets noticeable, just take it all off. Or style it so it appears he *wants* it to look like that. Sometimes taking the bull by the horns makes the culls fall in line.
I'm crossing my fingers that there are a couple girls that like it, and he'll be 10-4 from there on out. Or find him a big friend. Maybe I can go to school with him a few times.
I wish I actually had a helpful thought. Remembering those years, we were all kinda friends, and still acted like assholes. Well, some of us anyway.
...
Protective Mom Radar on high. I totally feel your pain. Well, as much as is possible. Okay, you're not asking for advice but here's my unsolicited opinion. I remember at PV a mom came to class and explained seizures and what happens and why because her daughter had them and we learned how we should react. That EDUCATION made a huge difference for me. I think we as students went from, 'that's strange' or 'that's freaky' to complete empathy. If Nathan is ever comfortable enough with it I think you should go to his class and explain what he's going through and how he's going to need friends because this is a scary time for him. If he wants to keep some type of control over his life, have a head shaving party, even one at school, first a mohawk for a few days, then a complete shave. I'd ask the teacher if you could have a hair shaving party, announced in advance with some flyer the kids take home so their parents know what's up, and then maybe some kind friend will join in and let you shave his head for moral support, or just because it's cool.
ReplyDeleteA story you don't want to hear but: I remember in 4th grade when Jon had lost his hair and was wearing a hat we were walking into class as the 7thish graders were leaving and some kid says OMG and Jon asks him not to take the Lord's name in vain and the kid knocks his hat off and makes fun of him. Just stupid things kids do to save face but you're smart with comebacks so I'd give him loads of self-deprecating remarks to use to deflect criticism, and avoid conflict.
Oh, and back to Jon. I think as a class we could have used some education and we would have done a better job standing up for him when he was teased. If Nathan's classes parents know whats up, their protective radar will kick in and I'll bet he'll have a safer ride on this journey into the unknown.
HUGS and PRAYERS!
Alyson - that mom who explained about seizures was my mom. She was the director of the Epilepsy Foundation and began a program to educate school children about epilepsy to help classmates understand and apparently it had exactly the desired effect with you. I will tell her tonight you remember it because it will mean the world to her.
ReplyDeleteMA - it was all going just a little too smoothly. Cancer claims a small victory but we will win the war. My heart hurts for you, Dan, and for Nathan. I'll be hat shopping this week; saw one online that said Evil Genius and something about world domination...
Poor Jon had it so rough. I had some cruel moments as a young child but I thank GOD that I never teased Jon; indeed I enjoyed his company when I was lucky enough to score a note to sit out of PE with Coach Ruth. (My slugdom began early in life.) I remember him as being so pleasant and nice, even when he must have been
in a kid's version of hell. I am quite certain he'll put in some good words for Nathan with the Big Guy.
We had a vice principal who was the kind of guy who'd have shaved his head along with Nathan in this situation. Is there anyone who might be up for this?
Love you much,
E.
P.S. I hope your package came today like it was supposed to.
Wow. Alyson had a lot better ideas than I did. A pizza and Mohawk party. Perfect. I actually wore mine in a mohawk for a few days before shaving it all off. Funny you had that thought as well. I'll chip in for pizza's and razors...
ReplyDeleteall I can say is phuque.
ReplyDeletemy heart breaks for all of you. Keep giving cancer the finger captain, one day at a time...
Aly, I remember that moment when that a$$hole did that to Jon. I remember who did it, and I still come as close as I ever have to hating someone in that moment.
ReplyDeleteI say have a mohawk and pizza party, bring along some cool henna tattoos, and get creative. Of course, I recognize that this is easier said than done.
The other thing to consider is for during chemo. There is something called a cold cap that helps women keep their hair when they are going through treatments for breast cancer. I had a friend at work that used this quite successfully. I don't know why it should just be for women, though.
MA- I am not usually at a loss for words, but this one hits me. I have decided not to try to think of words, but go and do what I know works best in these types of situations: pray and then pray some more. From your 'Bama friend who loves you...
ReplyDeleteElizabeth--Seriously tell her she was great and I hope she gets feeling better. I've never forgotten it. Tara--I'm glad I've forgotten that detail. MaryAnn--Even if Nathan isn't going to lose his hair, education for his friends and classmates will give them a little ownership of the situation and make them more comfortable knowing what to do, say, ask. A neighbor died recently and his 13 year old daughter was saying how hard it was at school because all the kids are asking her how she's doing and she's not feeling like talking, she just wants to get through each day. The carpool mom turned to the other kids in the carpool and said, "Did you hear that? It's your job to run interference for her. One of you is always with her and changes the conversation. You're her friends. That's your job." She said the kids got it and wanted to help, they just didn't know how to help until a grown up spelled it out.
ReplyDeleteMy friend's son has alopecia and has lost nearly all his hair--he's otherwise just fine, so this is not the same thing, but it's been traumatic. He doesn't go anywhere without a ski cap on (in LA weather). On the positive side, there hasn't been any bullying. Say what you will about political correctness, but the crackdown on bullying seems to have had some effect, at least in this case.
ReplyDeleteBut...if Nathan *does* get some trouble from bullies, you have my blessing to put the hurt on those little turds.
I'd offer up my own bald head in solidarity with Nathan, but I'm afraid the response I'd get is, "Oh great, now I look like that middle-aged guy." Here's hoping he has a perfect Montel Williams-quality head shape, a divine shining egg of glory. If not, some badass hats should do the trick.
You guys are the best.
ReplyDelete* Shaving: Nathan is very resistant to going Savalas just yet, although his Big Cousin Loren has volunteered to hold a shaving party at our house this weekend. Nathan is working a comb-over for the moment, a la Papa Roy.
* Peer education: Way ahead of you. Dan is meeting with one of the counselors at King today to talk about how to present this to his classmates. Karen is *wonderful*, and she has known Nathan since he was a wee tiny Grantham. Nathan has told us that he wants everyone to know what is going on, he just doesn't want to be the one doing the explaining.
* Phuque: Yes, indeed. Also, schitt.
* Mohawk and tattoos - I floated both of these ideas, as well as the Prison Mike bandanna look, and Dan had to explain to me that neither of these are options, thanks to the dress code and anti-gang regulations. Middle school really does suck.
Are ski caps allowed? You'd think exceptions could be made in some instances. Now, if Young Nathan starts claiming to be a Crip and throwing gang signs around, I could see why they'd give him a hard time.
ReplyDeleteIf hats are allowed, I'm sure in a short amount of time he could have quite the collection.
Oh, and the Mama Bear instinct? I so get that. I work at Mel's school store. She came in during lunch and told me that a boy told her she was mental and put a note on her back that sade she was insane. This same boy happened to appear at the store the same day to make a purchase. He didn't know I was her mom when he got there. When he left, he did. And I'm sure he won't forget it any time soon.
Kayleigh, wonderful kid that she is, came to the store one day in a short sleeved shirt that allowed her tattoos to be visible. She made sure to let the kids know she was Mel's big sister. She wouldn't hurt a fly, but 11 year olds don't know that. They just know that she has inked arms and is 5'10". Maybe I could send her to y'all for a while. Built in bodyguard and pastry chef.
Definitely sorry that Nathan's hair is going. Lee & I are brainstorming, in light of stoopid school guidelines and the social prejudices of kids.
ReplyDeleteIf bandanas are forbidden, does that count head wraps as well? Like biker headwraps without gang colors but maybe of leather or with a military insignia? http://www.myskullcaps.com/skullbest.htm Or check these out: http://www.schampa.com/product_p/sklcp007.htm
Lee says those colored hair sprays would be kewl in a stripe or pattern. (And remember, if the school has a policy against "colors not found in nature," have the protesting jackass look at a picture of a saltwater aquarium. ALL colors are found in nature.) Maybe shave his head leaving stars of hair in a kewl pattern, then shave the stars and replace them with the colors. Hooray for stencils!
If we come up with anything else, will post.
We're thinking of you all.
I so feel for all of you. I had a Mama Bear incident last week and it was all I had not to got to school and find the other kid.
ReplyDeleteWe will keep adding to your prayer pile.