One of the hardest things about being the mom of a kid with cancer (besides introducing that particular phrase into your vocabulary) is figuring out how to balance treating him like a kid and treating him like a kid with cancer. From Day 1 my battle cry has been, "This is not the story of his life. This is the story of 18 months of his life." As such, he has gotten precious little in the way of special treatment around the house and at school. Unconsciously, I think I wanted him to get the message that while this is a crappy situation, it is not the end of the world - kind of like when you're in the hospital, the signal to panic is when everyone you know shows up at your bedside. It's the "If you don't get much special treatment, you must not be too bad off" line of thinking.
Of course, allowances have been made. If he doesn't like the looks of dinner, Nathan chugs an Ensure shake to keep his weight up. If he's tired, we pry Clare off of him and let him sneak off to bed early. He has a whole list of accommodations at school including being able to wear a hat or have a snack in class or take a rest in the clinic. But I have tried my best to keep things as normal as possible and to keep bringing the wicked and evil back to stepmothering.
For Nathan, this means that he still has kitchen clean-up every other day, two rooms to clean on Saturday morning, and weekly laundry duty split with Matt. He still gets fussed at for chewing with his mouth open and for spending too much time on video games. And with apologies to Erich Segal, chemo does not mean never having to do your homework. He is still being held accountable at home and at school, and that's as it should be.
Until, of course, it isn't. Tonight, the Teflon Kid is plumb wore out physically, emotionally, and every other kind of -ly you got. Tonight, the stress is not rolling off his back, it's seeping into his pores, and it's insidious. Tonight, he's a seabird covered in oil, looking at Dan and me and asking why we let this happen. Tonight, he's got a pass because there are zombies to slay, chicken fingers to chew like a cow, and a movie to watch - and that damn homework will just have to get to the end of the line.
This is all a balancing act that y'all haven't practiced. No one is grading you. (If they are, they're kinda stupid to do so.)
ReplyDeleteKeep on doing what you think will work. If it doesn't, do something else. It's not gonna be easy (wish that it were) but it's gonna come to an end and when it does, you'll be able to realize that you all did the best that you could.
Oh, Captain, it isn't nice to make a jersey girl cry. I am screaming obscenities on your behalf.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Becky. Go to Home Depot. Get a bag of gravel. Position him on near busy road. Tell him to aim for the expensive vehicles. No matter what, he'll feel some better for it.
ReplyDeleteI can have some fireworks delivered? I can arrange a FHP officer, surely, to come drive him around? When he's up to travel, tell him he and I will hit the woods and he can just blow off ammo, or shoot piggies and coyote's. Feed him Pumkin Ale til he doesn't care? My skillsets are limited...
A friend at work asked about you the other day. Cause, of course, I've talked about your situation, and how horrible and ridiculous this all is. By, the way, all people at my work have sent their prayers and good wishes along. Any way, he asked me about "the kid that is sick." I think it was about the time that Nathan started to loose his hair. My friend offered up a ton of ideas (the same things we all had discussed on FB and in this blog), and I found my self saying something along these lines: Well, his father teaches children who are in bad situations, his mother is a third grade teacher, so they are fully trained in how to handle many difficult scenarios and can handle many children at the same time. They are already in the school system so they know exactly who/how/what to talk to help N, and make people aware of the situation. Etc....
ReplyDeleteI would also like to add (not that it matters if I think you are doing things right or not), that I think you are doing just fabulously. I would have done the exact same thing with the whole "youre not too sick to do chores and homework". Because, in reality, this is only a wrinkle in time. And if you believe this will be over soon, it will. And if you believe this is only 18 months, then it is only 18 months.
Nathan is soooo lucky to have you 2, who care enough to make him still do chores, and homework. Don't fret, skipping homework, and watching movies on a school night isn't the worst thing that can happen.
Balancing, pushing, letting up on the gas for one minute, more pushing, balancing, ice cream.... It's all about being good parents, maybe you're just better at that the rest of us!
There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think about you, but I know you will find a way to come through each day, one way or another.
Love, Jen
PS-May the force be with you!
(yup, once a geek, always a geek)
Sounds like the right time to cry "Uncle". I hope the movie takes everyone's mind off things for a couple of hours and you all get to check out of reality with a good night's rest. Hugs to all and thanks for showing us how you've rallied together.
ReplyDeleteIt's been said already, in comments by wise people before me.
ReplyDeleteYou rock, my dear. And you are loved.
Love, love, love coming your way - hope you get some rest/release because life can't be all pressure or we explode! Jennie P.
ReplyDeletePS Libras rock!