I was diagnosed with ADD about 12 years ago. Not ADHD, mind you. There is no hyperactivity component whatsoever, just a attention system that is out of whack. And I think this is why I am an incredibly useful person in an acute crisis situation. Funerals are my specialty. I cowboy up, I do what has to be done, I do not cry, I am goal-oriented - I dare say I am Cylon-esque in my focus. I can be Wonder Woman successfully for about a month, and then I am ready for something else. Long haul? Yeah, not so much.
Guess what? A month of this crap was up a month ago. I'm not so useful anymore. I'm damn sure not as entertaining. I am bitter and angry and tired and hateful and SO ready for this to be over. If self-pity were an Olympic sport, I could medal for the USA. I am in control of absolutely nothing, and I hate that. And if one more person tells me that God only sends us what we can handle and that He knows what big shoulders I have, I am going to point out in no uncertain terms that She has me confused with someone else - I am the one with the big ASS.
Nathan is struggling. Here's what I unloaded on Hope via email yesterday:
N had a horrible day at chemo yesterday - Dan called me at 10:30, and they were both wrecks. First off, N had lost just over 3 pounds in a week. Then, his port was blocked, so they had to stick his finger for the blood draw, and he was dehydrated, so that was awful. Then he showed them the enormous canker sore inside his mouth, and they scraped it for a tissue sample to make sure it's not the cold sore type of herpes - TWICE. Then while they did the physical exam, they noticed that not only does his left eyelid not close all the way anymore due to the tumor, his eyes were pink and gunky, so they diagnosed pinkeye. He had cried three times by the time Dan called me.
As it turns out, it's not herpes, the pinkeye antibiotic is working, and N is learning to drink water like I drink Diet Coke.
It just sucks right now, and I HATE telling you all that because you all have been some every kind of wonderful, and we get tangible and intangible reminders of your love and concern and support every week, and I need to focus on all the good that has come out of this. It's just that lately, I have not been able to do that. I am considering putting up posters around town that say "Have you seen my sh*t? 'Cause I have lost it. Call 1-800-THIS-SUX."
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| This poster is pretty awesome, too. |
I think I need to have dinner with some friends. Maybe Ben and Jerry or Big Olaf.
I'm sorry it's been so rough on Nathan and you and your family. Hope you know we appreciate your non-sugarcoated blog posts. I'm terrible with words so I'll just leave it at you're in my prayers and I love you even more because you're so genuine. (Notice I got the your/you're right? I did that just for you.)
ReplyDeleteMaryAnn,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. Don't worry...I'm not going to tell you about how much God will let you handle, blah, blah, blah. I've pretty much stopped praying for things like patience, gratitude, etc, because I really don't want the trials that make me a better person.
I've had a pretty crappy month and the *only* thing that has come remotely close to helping was the 2 hour chat with my sister over coffee and pastries. So, call me. I'm here. 993-7013. Or, send me your number via Facebook and I'll call you, come pick you up, and we'll have that beach date we talked about. Or don't do any of the above. Usually when I'm upset I just want to be left the hell alone. I get that! It's up to you. :-)
Please know that we all love you, we don't need roses and sunshine reports, we don't really need reports at all. We get that you guys are dealing with stuff and our job is to make life just a little easier for you.
Tara
Well I am glad none of those little tabs with the phone numbers are torn off the poster in that picture or I would worry that you are planning to run away with this former member of What's Happening!! who has piqued your interest(yes there were two exclamation points - I checked).
ReplyDeleteI remember once when I was going through a very rough time I was told it would make me stronger. I broke down and HOWLED "I don't want to be stronger I want to be WEAK!!!" So you want to be weak. Well honey, none of us want to be strong enough to deal with a child with cancer. Yes you have terific, amazing, wonderful, supportive, clever, funny, caring friends who love you but life does still suck.
You should take Tara up on her offer. Substitute a Diet Coke for coffee and have three pastries with chocolate filling, or fosting or straight through and through. It will help - maybe only for a few days - but that will get you a few days closer to the end of this 18 month long nightmare.
I will be visiting the first week in April. Plan on a late night meeting at "Our IHOP" that Dan considers fairly dangerous. Until then I will make you two offers to cheer you up. I will extend your title as Laverne on month despite the fact that Jon looks ridiculous in Squiggy's pants. Also, if you want, I will post a video of myself to your facebook page singing "I'll Be There for You" while holding a lighter (which will burn my fingers) and sway my arms in time to my melodious crooning.
Finally I can assure you that my week has SMELLED as bad as your week has BEEN. As I know your fascination with poop, (although this is not sold enough to bear that title)I report that Lexie is going to the doc on Monday because her diapers have been UNBELIEVABLE - they smell worse than Jonathan's did with Rotovirus. Something is rotton - and probably not in Denmark. I can mail you a diaper if you'd like to experience this special stench for yourself. I canonly imagine it would get better with time.
XOXOX,
E.
I know I relate more to the F-bombing, crying, pissed-off version anyway. Life has some shitty moments. This one takes a prize for damn sure. What works for me is a drive in the evening woods with the windows down and a couple beers. It by no means makes anything better, just enables me to cry and be pissed off, and then re-enter reality. If I don't, I get real snappy with people that tell me they're praying for Cris. Sometimes platitudes just help 0%... So, no real words of wisdom. Just know you're in our constant thoughts. And a sincere hope that soon we can start using the other domain name we registered to describe Nathan's success...
ReplyDeleteThat should say solid - not sold
ReplyDeleteI know "Im' sorry" doesn't even close to cut it, but I am sorry that y'all are going through all this. It sucks. Not being able to help, not being in control, not being able to do anything that seems to make any damn difference at all just plain sucks. But that's completely frickin' wrong, too. Get outta the damn hole, woman.
ReplyDeleteGet in your car. Find some nice spot to sit where you won't get arrested for crazy. Put on the most obnoxious music you have at a volume that threatens to vibrate speakers from doors/dash. Now scream. Cry. Throw or hit things. Do it until you get it out of your system. When you're done - and yes, there IS a done - go home. Hug your kids and tell them how much you love them and how much they mean to you. Take some time to appreciate how very much YOU mean to THEM and how much you actually do for them, EVERY DAMN DAY, even if you don't realize it or appreciate that you're doing it. Then go hug your husband and do the same thing.
BTW, I vant jour email. If you would shoot over to me, I would appreciate it. You will find my email address, as well as phone #'s at the bottom of my FB info page. (hinthint: i do listen well and tend to be awake at all hours. <3 )
Call me weird, but your posts, especially when you are really fired up and really pissed off, are incredibly inspiring to me. You show the "real" side of cancer, the no BS side of cancer, and I think someone out there is gonna to read this and his or her life will be changed. Maybe it won't be tomorrow or even the next day, but mark my words, your story will be that one ray of hope that somebody stumbles on and they will be forever changed by you.
ReplyDeleteSending strength and love from my heart to yours.
So sorry about this latest turn. Next person that tells you that "everything happens for a reason" gets a kick in the balls (or equivalent).
ReplyDeleteMA, I have no idea how you can still be funny as hell during all of this. To quote the man on the poster, you're once, twice, three times a lady.
My money's still on Team Grantham.
I cannot BELIEVE I didn't recognize Lionel!
ReplyDeleteI love Barb's thought process. Loud obnoxious music is what calms me when nothing else will. I make the diesel go click-clack and fire up Five Finger Death Punch or Dropkick Murphys til I feel better.
ReplyDeleteIt's more socially acceptable than blowing off a few hundred rounds from the AR15 at midnight...